I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
