Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
