Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
