I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
