sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
