apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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