Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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