WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
