M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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