it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
