At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
