I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
how do flat chested girls get laid?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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