Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
is wine microwaveable?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
