He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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