if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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