i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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