I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
