i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
