im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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