I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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