How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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