I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
