i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
