I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
