Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
