just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
