goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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