from now on my penis is your penis
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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