Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
