So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
