i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
