chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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