So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I wish there were birth control emojis
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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