two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
