This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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