i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
