Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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