Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
