the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
