I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
