Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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