I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
