Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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