now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
