Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
