i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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