i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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