Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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