1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
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