I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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