Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
