I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
