My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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